Yeah... I could see this happening
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob
says to Stanley behind him,
hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan
diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what
to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a
lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Bob deposits
a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He
deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have
tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks."
while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good
measure. Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the
results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and
awaits the results.
The computer prints the
- Your tap
water is too hard. Get a water softener.
- Your dog
has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
- Your wife
is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a
- If you
don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
Thank you for shopping at
Here are some conversations that airline
passengers normally don't hear
following are actual exchanges between airline pilots and
control towers from around the world:
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with
his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower:
"American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway,
If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make
a right at the lights and return to the
While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air
flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came
nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground
controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming, "US Air
2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right
onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference
between C's, and D's, but get it right!"
Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed up everything!
It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and
don't move 'til I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi
instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go
exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!
You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the
ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal
bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate
ground controller in her current state. Tension in every
cockpit at LGA was running high.
Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't
I married to you once?"
Unknown aircraft: "I'm f*cking bored!" Air Traffic Control:
"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f*cking bored, not f*cking
"Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
124.7." Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to
By the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead
animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635,
cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy
that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635:
"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers......"
German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's
gate parking location, but how to get there without any
assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747)
listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground
control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active
runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a
stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are
Speedbird 206 "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now." Ground: (with arrogant impatience) "Speedbird
206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but I didn't
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is
a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...
I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start
clearance in Munich overheard the following Lufthansa (in
"Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in
English): "If you want an answer, you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German
airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you
lost the bloody war!"
A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They
like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel
He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees
that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok."
She thinks that is a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis
says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo
and Reebok pays me for advertisement."
A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed
on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual
Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word
"AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock. "I'm
not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"
He says, "It's cool baby. In a minute it's going to say
QUOTE OF THE
Nominated for Quote of the Year is
the statement made by Texas Congressman Dick Armey when
"If you had been in President Clinton's place
would you have resigned?" Dick Armey's reply:
"If I had been in the president's place I would not have
gotten the chance to resign. I would have been lying in a
pool of my own blood, looking up, and listening to my wife
ask, "How do you reload this son of a
A dad walks into a market with his young
son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy
starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad
realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts
panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed,
attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit
is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of
the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the
neatly folds the newspaper and places it on
the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way,
unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy,
the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and
starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more
firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently
and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in
her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands
the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the
coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he
is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her
saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that
before, it was fantastic. Are you a
"No," the woman replies..."Divorce
Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a
baseball game (with their big habits partially blocking the
view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort
to get them to move.
In a very loud voice, the first
guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah... there are only
100 Nuns living there."
The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to
Montana... there are only 50 Nuns living there."
The third guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to
Idaho ... there are only 25 Nuns living there."
the nuns turned around, and looked at the men, and calmly
said, "Why don't you go to hell...there aren't any Nuns
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